Bedtime in the Buff

One of my favorite memories of college dates back to the spring semester of my freshman year. My friends and I had returned from a night out, our bodies full of liquor and ready for sleep, and my good friend who had been blessed with a rather large sized triple bedroom in our dorm building otherwise composed of cubicles had invited us for a sleepover because her two roommates were out of town. Knowing that my own roommate was out of town, I respectfully declined, because I was eager to enjoy the comfort of my own room for the weekend, a luxury I was deprived of since going to college. My reasoning was that I wanted to sleep naked. Sure enough, another other friend, whose roommate was also away for the weekend, found herself saying no for all the same reasons, and a third friend voiced his desire to sleep naked as well. Then, it occurred to us that there was an obvious solution to our mutual interest that threatened to send us in separate directions: instead of ending the night alone, why wouldn’t we all just sleep naked together? So we lifted the two mattresses in my room, one my bed and the other my roommate’s empty bed, dragged them down the hall, pushed them together, got naked, and slept naked.

This was how I discovered that like me, all my college friends, whether drunk or sober, had a penchant for sleeping naked. I couldn’t find a single person back home who like it, and yet when I went to college, I managed to find a handful of people from all different parts of the country who came together as a group of friends and who, coincidentally enough, slept naked. The only problem with this, as college students, is that it is incredibly difficult to get naked and stay that way for enough time to get to bed and get up in the morning without exposing yourself to your roommate. Sure, it’s easy enough to strip under the covers, but then you have to get up in the morning and get dressed before they see you and become incredibly disturbed and worst case scenario get you into some kind of legal trouble for your indecent showcase. So having two roommates, I avoided this during the year and opted for sleeping naked at home where I have my own room and a door that stays closed most of the time when I’m in there.

But I didn’t have as much privacy as I thought because over spring break, I discovered that my mom gives just about zero fucks about letting a twenty year old be twenty as she would barge into my room every night and find me ass naked underneath the covers.

“Are you wearing any clothes right now?” “Why are you sleeping naked?” “That’s inappropriate, your family is here.” “Your father is home and this is how you act?”

And so, spending another summer at home and away from the comforts of people who think nudity is totally natural and normal, I must now rationalize to you my peers why sleeping naked is the best possible way to sleep.

You just can’t win when you sleep with clothes on. Seriously, I don’t care what season it is. I’ve slept in nothing but my own skin in the dead of winter. If you go to bed at 11 PM and it’s bone chilling cold in your room and you’re convulsing in shivers like a fucking eskimo sleeping on a cot made of ice in the South Pole, so you go to bed wearing anything and everything you can find that’s made of flannel, I promise you that you will wake up in two to three hours feeling like you took a nap on the surface of the sun. Your options are to lose the flannel or sweat until you shrivel up like a prune.

By sleeping naked, you control the temperature. If you’re cold and you’re not wearing anything, you have more covers to cuddle up under, and let’s face it, if you’re someone that doesn’t enjoy snuggling up in blankets like a human burrito, you are, well, not a human. If you’re too warm, you can lose as many blankets as you’d like and let yourself air out. Then, when it’s cool, you can huddle up again. Frankly, it’s just more comfortable and liberating for me. I find myself feeling fresher and renewed almost, like it’s truly a brand new day and the burdens of the day and night before no longer exist. So don’t worry that your bodily fluids are going to dry out or something weird like that, and give it a try. And if after all that, you still prefer your trusty old footsie pajamas to your birthday suit, I won’t think less of you.

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